"Hi mom."
"Hi honey! How is everything. How are classes? How many hours of sleep did you get last nig...."
After the usual catching up for the first 10 minutes of the conversation, I tell her why I called.
"I'm good. Everything's good, I need to ask you a few questions for my project."
"What are the differing challenges of raising a son vs. raising a daughter?"
"I never thought of it that way. I have only brothers and uncles so I grew up around a lot of men and I know how sensitive they are, and I was also surrounded by strong women, so I always parented to you and your brother as individuals and to what your specific needs were. Of course, I am aware of "acceptable" social gender roles, but I didn't parent to that.... You were so insanely diligent with your studies and I'd often have to "talk you off the ledge," with your brother, sometimes I have to "open the window." These traits seem almost opposite to gender expectations.
I will say though that I do remember pleading often, "Ari, I got this, he already has a mother." I didn't have to "compete" with anyone to parent you so that was different for him. I don't think an older brother would have had the maternal instinct to help mother. I will agree though that I tend to let him do things that I may not have you and I don't think it's because he's younger, it's not even gender, it's more of a safety issue, I guess."
"If you were stranded on a deserted island, would you want me or Noah by your side?"
--"you don't have to answer that one..."
"So, that's a cloaked way of asking me who I love more, huh? You have always heard me say, you're my soul and he's my heart --- completely different, but equally as important. I could never live without either!!! ....But, the real answer is Daddy because he knows how to fish." (insert my laugh).
"How have you seen our interaction change over the years?"
" I didn't really see it change much prior to your leaving for school. He was always the annoying little brother and you were both so focused on your activities. But there was always a lot of love and support, by attending each other's games or concerts. We always had dinner together, so no matter what there was always the evening conversation and time to just be together with all the craziness.
I think a big shift in your interaction would happen now, as your brother has changed a lot, but the time and geography is affecting your interaction. I am fearful that for you and Noah, the pain of being separated will be eased by staying away.... and the sweetness of your childhood relationship will be lost. I really look forward to the summer months so that you can re-acquaint yourself with your more mature, satirical, chill younger brother. Just like his older sister, he is quite funny. With all the newness in your life, I know that you will look at him as one of your new-found friends and not just a younger brother."
"What is the first thing you remember watching us share?"
"U came to the hospital a few hours after Noah was born. You held him and then he fussed because he was hungry. As I breastfed, you cuddled up with us and put your head on the other side of my chest. So, me - the first thing you shared was me. (typical mother answer).
We all know that Noah doesn't like to share his food ("I love ya, but don't touch my food!"). You had great fun together when we got the dog, you were really good about sharing her when she was a puppy and not declaring ownership like little kids do."
"What is your favorite memory of us?"
"Soooo many!!! I have so many "snapshots" in my mind. I can see you feeding pigeons in a piazza - actually you fed them and Noah tried to eat seeds off the ground, on a lounge chair at the beach sharing a gameboy, closed up in the dog crate, walking together across Leggett Field in different sport uniforms but sharing the same number 20, Carvel cakes for birthday breakfast, I can hear you giggling in the back seat of the car, your five angry thumps up the stairs yelling "Noah"" and then the slam of your bedroom door, the crazy hypoglycemic high EVERY NIGHT after dinner and you hanging off your chairs laughing, whispers at midnight when I had already gone to bed... BUT, I guess my most idyllic, purest, go-to memory is the day on the sailboat off of Salina and you guys peering over the side. I realized how precious that moment was, and not only did I scream inside to remember it, but I took a picture of your perfect little profiles and your tiny little toushies. It's the first thing I see every morning... the photo is framed in my room. I don't need the image to remember, but I am grateful that I have it."
"How do you think things would be different had Noah been the older child?"
"I kinda answered that before ... aside from the obvious of watching out for older boys in the house ... you were both born really happy and intelligent, it was easy to parent you both because we'd just use logic and you'd get it.. So, I don't know how things would have been different had Noah been first. I would still have the same expectations for you as individuals. I really don't think it would have been that different, although ... you might have been a bit malnourished."
"Do you think our interests have anything to do with our age difference?"
"Your interests have absolutely nothing to do with birth right nor gender. It's who you are. Although, watching your hard work pay off academically and socially has been a huge influence on Noah and he has a new found interest in his studies. I don't want to take away from him the fact that he has matured himself, but watching his older sister be successful has certainly encouraged him."
"Hi honey! How is everything. How are classes? How many hours of sleep did you get last nig...."
After the usual catching up for the first 10 minutes of the conversation, I tell her why I called.
"I'm good. Everything's good, I need to ask you a few questions for my project."
"What are the differing challenges of raising a son vs. raising a daughter?"
"I never thought of it that way. I have only brothers and uncles so I grew up around a lot of men and I know how sensitive they are, and I was also surrounded by strong women, so I always parented to you and your brother as individuals and to what your specific needs were. Of course, I am aware of "acceptable" social gender roles, but I didn't parent to that.... You were so insanely diligent with your studies and I'd often have to "talk you off the ledge," with your brother, sometimes I have to "open the window." These traits seem almost opposite to gender expectations.
I will say though that I do remember pleading often, "Ari, I got this, he already has a mother." I didn't have to "compete" with anyone to parent you so that was different for him. I don't think an older brother would have had the maternal instinct to help mother. I will agree though that I tend to let him do things that I may not have you and I don't think it's because he's younger, it's not even gender, it's more of a safety issue, I guess."
"If you were stranded on a deserted island, would you want me or Noah by your side?"
--"you don't have to answer that one..."
"So, that's a cloaked way of asking me who I love more, huh? You have always heard me say, you're my soul and he's my heart --- completely different, but equally as important. I could never live without either!!! ....But, the real answer is Daddy because he knows how to fish." (insert my laugh).
"How have you seen our interaction change over the years?"
" I didn't really see it change much prior to your leaving for school. He was always the annoying little brother and you were both so focused on your activities. But there was always a lot of love and support, by attending each other's games or concerts. We always had dinner together, so no matter what there was always the evening conversation and time to just be together with all the craziness.
I think a big shift in your interaction would happen now, as your brother has changed a lot, but the time and geography is affecting your interaction. I am fearful that for you and Noah, the pain of being separated will be eased by staying away.... and the sweetness of your childhood relationship will be lost. I really look forward to the summer months so that you can re-acquaint yourself with your more mature, satirical, chill younger brother. Just like his older sister, he is quite funny. With all the newness in your life, I know that you will look at him as one of your new-found friends and not just a younger brother."
"What is the first thing you remember watching us share?"
"U came to the hospital a few hours after Noah was born. You held him and then he fussed because he was hungry. As I breastfed, you cuddled up with us and put your head on the other side of my chest. So, me - the first thing you shared was me. (typical mother answer).
We all know that Noah doesn't like to share his food ("I love ya, but don't touch my food!"). You had great fun together when we got the dog, you were really good about sharing her when she was a puppy and not declaring ownership like little kids do."
"What is your favorite memory of us?"
"Soooo many!!! I have so many "snapshots" in my mind. I can see you feeding pigeons in a piazza - actually you fed them and Noah tried to eat seeds off the ground, on a lounge chair at the beach sharing a gameboy, closed up in the dog crate, walking together across Leggett Field in different sport uniforms but sharing the same number 20, Carvel cakes for birthday breakfast, I can hear you giggling in the back seat of the car, your five angry thumps up the stairs yelling "Noah"" and then the slam of your bedroom door, the crazy hypoglycemic high EVERY NIGHT after dinner and you hanging off your chairs laughing, whispers at midnight when I had already gone to bed... BUT, I guess my most idyllic, purest, go-to memory is the day on the sailboat off of Salina and you guys peering over the side. I realized how precious that moment was, and not only did I scream inside to remember it, but I took a picture of your perfect little profiles and your tiny little toushies. It's the first thing I see every morning... the photo is framed in my room. I don't need the image to remember, but I am grateful that I have it."
"How do you think things would be different had Noah been the older child?"
"I kinda answered that before ... aside from the obvious of watching out for older boys in the house ... you were both born really happy and intelligent, it was easy to parent you both because we'd just use logic and you'd get it.. So, I don't know how things would have been different had Noah been first. I would still have the same expectations for you as individuals. I really don't think it would have been that different, although ... you might have been a bit malnourished."
"Do you think our interests have anything to do with our age difference?"
"Your interests have absolutely nothing to do with birth right nor gender. It's who you are. Although, watching your hard work pay off academically and socially has been a huge influence on Noah and he has a new found interest in his studies. I don't want to take away from him the fact that he has matured himself, but watching his older sister be successful has certainly encouraged him."